When did this all begin?

As I went to sleep the other night I began to wonder about how much importance we give in life to what we do, what we say, what we own and don't about our theories and our vehemence in proving them right or wrong.

It led me to think about our theory of evolution and how it does not agree with the religion. It led me to think about what is all this life all about? What is life?
What is the difference between me and a corpse - the Breathe! It led me to wonder if we have discovered as yet the means to create life! How can one possibly create something that is living? What is it that brings about life? And then I was overcome in this overwhelming feeling of awe - it just seems to be impossible to create life!
My body right now moves around because it is living - and I am limited only by what I think. Which means we are all capable of doing so many things - being whatever we want to be. And yet at the end of the day what does this all lead to? What does it mean to die? What does it mean to be born? When did I take birth - when my first cell was formed in the womb? But then the cell was living in my mothers body long before that. Infact all the egg cells lie in a dormant state of life and are released once a girl reaches puberty. So then my living cell was in existence since my mother was born, which means that her cell was living even before...what does this mean? I have been in existence all this while?
My mind could not wrap itself around this idea - and it brought new meaning to living for all eternity! So what does it mean to die? Does it put an end to this existence of life? I need to read more - not sure how I got into such philosophy!

Why do I doubt? Am I loving enough?

What is the opposite of Fear? Courage, strength, hope....none of them. Love is the answer, I did not know it until I read this book about three months ago. And what is it that we use to describe God, one word that embodies all that He is for us - yes it is Love.
Now I knew both these facts -  the latter for years actually; since my high school when it was drilled that God loves us no matter what. I have been working on my relationship with God for quite sometime now and realized that there was something missing - that it could be better. This morning as I was trying to keep a steady pace on the treadmill my mind was racing through multiple thoughts (nothing new about that!) and then I focused on my current fears in life. I doubted my life in the Summer, my abilities to complete the program, my grades, my weight.... And then it struck me like a thunderbolt. Why am I doubting? Why am I fearful? If I claim to love God then there should not be any of this! I realized that my loving was not good enough - I needed to love with a deeper trust knowing that God loves me so much that he will only give me the best, that I need not fear what the future holds for me, that he has only the best things in store for me. It was such a liberating feeling that it instantly made me cry. I never felt such comfort before. I realise now that all that God asks of me is to trust in His love. I will never be able to have perfect love like his but nothing should stop me from experiencing His.
I resolved to do my best everyday, work hard and trust that all that happens in my life, everyone who enters my life is in fulfillment of the divine mechanism. Looking out for and feeling Gods presence in every moment is the key to staying focused and the next time I doubt or am anxious or tense or fearful I know exactly where I am going wrong!!

Going White...um no-White

So I started speaking to this lady, Darlene, at the gym this morning. As a frequent visitor in the mornings we had begun greeting by calling out our names. She mentioned that week that she would be out for a couple of months for a scheduled surgery and I had promised to pray for a successful outcome. Seems like today was her last day before the surgery on the 16th. She remarked that I have become leaner,that my face and arms look much slimmer - I beamed like a 100w light bulb. I told her that my weight has not decreased much, which meant that I am losing inches. She advised that I should stop doing weights and increase the cardio intensity until I attain my ideal weight. Or else I would not lose all the fat - I momentarily envisioned myself with all the fat replaced with muscles - hideous!
She ventured further that I should 'watch what I eat' avoid all kinda white foods. Bread, rice, potatoes, pasta, cakes, milk, sugar...anything white should be abolished or reconsidered - I guess eggs, cauliflower, white beans, garbanzo beans do not count. I found this very restrictive and impractical; I wanted something that could be incorporated as a lifestyle and not a fad. She mentioned that once I get to my ideal weight I would get used to being on this diet. I told her I can't do without milk and sugar in my tea - we agreed to replace the milk with 1/2% reduced ( or skimmed) and organic sugar. And once I get to my ideal weight - I should give away my old clothes and buy a new set of jeans and outfits. That will keep me motivated to stay in shape.

Well I promised her to try this out for the next 30 days - so my journey to 130 pounds begins today. I guess she happened to play the role of the 'ticket collector' in my life today. Its surprising that she stepped into this role - this reinforces my belief that there is some kind of force in this universe that constantly shapes and guides us. About 4 months ago I had written down a set of goals and getting to my ideal weight of 130 pounds was one of them! Today I got more than a nudge from someone totally unexpected - whoa!

I should write a post about that book and goal setting....maybe later, for now am
watching out for the whites :)

Who was the ticket collector?

I often wonder about the various interactions in our life. How we are influenced by ideas, by remarks from people, comments by friends, opinions of our peers, the upbringing by our parents and the motions of sibling rivalry. I did not realise how much of an influence they have on the choices I make - thanks to my parents I strove to aim for the best and to be honest and truthful in my dealings. Thanks to my siblings I added the dimension of patience and responsibility to my personality. And thanks to my teachers, educators and priests and preachers who gave a glimpse of how much different life can be.

I was wondering the other day about those singular people who changed the course of my life through a stray, solitary interaction and then wondered who was that ticket collector who was on duty on that fateful day in history when Gandhi was in the train in South Africa. I feel we owe our independence to Mahatma Gandhi but do we even know that person who set ablaze the passion in Gandhi to fight for something noble and to rise above mediocrity? If not for that incident when he was thrown off the train on the platform and humiliated for being coloured I think Gandhi would have been going through the same motions of life. He might have continued to be work as a lawyer and died a different death probably in SA, never knowing and manifesting the immense power in his being - touching the lives of thousands and changing the fortunes and destiny of his countrymen, even now after his death.

So I guess every interaction in our life has a purpose, a lesson to teach or an opportunity for us to rise above our prejudice and probably change the whole course of our life. There seems to be an interplay of forces in Nature that attract us to events and persons who have the capacity to help us achieve our goals.

There have been numerous 'ticket collectors' in my life who have gotten me to this stage. My belief in God makes me see them as the working of the Spirit who lead me onto the right path to do His Will. I only hope to continue to remain open to the inspiration but I still wonder what was the name of that ticket collector who triggered the biggest freedom movement in history?

Tachi Yamada visits UM

The world is a small place and it now amazes me to think of all the possibilities that exist in this world. About 4 ago when working in GSK- Bangalore, I knew that Tachi Yamada was the 3rd in position right below the CEO, as the chief of the medical research. Never in my wildest dreams did I think of seeing him person let alone hear him speak about global issues in child health.
Last evening he was here at UM, now heading the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation, he used India as an example to explain how innovation might be the key but in delivery lies the solution to the problems. Some alarming facts that cringed my heart - 8.8million babies died in 2009 a decrease from 11m in 2005 and 20m in 1996. India with 1/6th of the worlds population accounts for 30% of all new born deaths in the world - mainly due to under nourishment, neonatal sepsis (caused due to use of unclean knife to cut the umbilical cord) and birth asphyxia. The last cause attributed to deliveries happening in dark closed, windowless spaces even in the presence of daylight.
The lack of Indian bureaucracy to change and in accepting new policies was one of the reasons attributed to the government. In contrast Bangladesh with a similar history like India and much lower GDP has an infant mortality rate of 30% (India at 52%). This has been attributed to extensive work of the NGO's.

He mentioned that there is hope - proved by the success of various methods that have been implemented. Asked universities to be at the forefront of innovation. The Arvind Eye institute has reduced the cost of installing a lens from $200 to $1. Thanks to the efforts of the founder and the scientists at Stanford research center. The whole procedure of preventing cataract can now be performed by a high school graduate.
Also gave an example of how giving out sewing machines to women in Bangladesh has created sustainability and reduced the infant mortality. In India money seems to be the incentive to put polices in place - $30 was offered to every volunteer who brought a pregnant lady for delevery into the facility and $15 was offered to the mother in UP. In this test program the mortality rates have reduced by 60% from its inception.

When asked how to bring about a change in developing countries - he mentioned that as an outsider nobody can cause a change. There has to be an acceptance by the local people. We need to take the evidence, interpret it and then present it the concerned people to implement policies. At this point as a biostatistician I realised my possible role in this process!
He mentioned that the 'how' is more important - 3 key things are important in delivery. First step lies in caring for the issue. The second lies in being an expert in your field - just because it is a poor country it does not deserve to get something of a lesser quality and finally get connected by working in the field - real life experience charges you up.

I was totally motivated by the end of the talk. Realised that there is so much that needs to be done. I guess right now I need to work on being an expert in my field, I seem to fulfil the other 2 requirements!

AP or a CAPE?

Apparently Ash Wednesday witnesses the most number of Catholics visiting the church; Palm and Easter Sunday are the other contenders. An AP catholic is a person who comes to church only on Ash Wednesday and Palm Sunday, while the CAPE is includes Christmas and Easter Sunday to the list. The reason attributed for AP having the highest cardinal number is because 'something' is given out on those days - either in the form of ashes or palms!

This made me realise how much we take the other infact the main 'thing' that is being given out everytime we attend mass. I guess it is true that we forget the importance and sacredness of something that is so freely available. Its a little scary to think that familiarity indeed breeds contempt. This could be the reason why we take our family for granted and raise friends on pedestals - or why family becomes dearer when we move away from home.

I often find myself praying that I might not forget the wonder of the Eucharist - its power to transform and infinite grace to save me - everytime I receive it. I also pray that I treat every relationship with fervour and take nobody for granted.

As I recieved the ashes today, I prayed that I might have a more meaningful, fulfilling relationship with God. I prayed for discipline and sense of dependence on Him at all times. I prayed for endurance in keeping up with my practices during this season - especially the once to Fast and to abstain from surfing Facebook, Orkut and Youtube. I need to experience for myself the fact that all things are possible through Him.

So I realise that I am neither an AP or a CAPE but one of the regulars who is still fascinated with every encounter in the Eucharist and who counts on its grace to face the daily battles in my life.

An inspirational quote - sing my own tune!

I was selected to read this quote for the convocation of senior batch in IBAB - I think I had done a really good job based on the compliments I received later!
I loved the message in the quote very uplifting.

The quote is from another book, A Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, and it shook up my attitude to blend with the crowd.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?…Your playing small does not serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do…It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates other.